How do we find wisdom? We start by gaining knowledge. But we won’t stop there, just like we can build a Maserati by simply taking metal out of the world. We gain wisdom through the refinement of knowledge, but also through the refinement of ourselves.
That is the message expressed in an ancient philosophy book Principles of Fatherhood. In another basic teaching, the sages of ancient Judea urge us to cultivate 48 different attitudes and practices in our pursuit of higher wisdom. The list includes the following:
Love people, love charity, love honesty, and love blame.
The first three are visible. We can all appreciate the virtues of loving others, cultivating compassion for those in need, and aspiring to act honestly and fairly in all aspects of our personal conduct.
But how many of us like to be criticized? Do we sincerely expect criticism, even when we ask for it? Don’t we tend to get defensive when anyone, no matter how well-intentioned, says they want to blame us?
Wisely, we know that we need to be corrected if we want to improve. A music teacher shows us how to finger the keys or draw a bow between the strings. A fitness trainer warns us against over-stressing our muscles when we exercise. A tennis coach guides us to improve our backhand.
Why is it so difficult for us to accept even gentle guidance to improve our learning style, business performance, or personal character?
Perhaps the problem lies in the language we use. Discipline it seems to focus on what we did wrong. What we need is a better way to convey the message of how we can do better going forward.
Fortunately, there is a useful synonym for reprimand meand our current entry in the Ethical Lexicon:
Blame it (re·prove/ ri-evidence) action
Expressing denial or blame in response to inappropriate behavior.
At first glance, this does not seem to solve our problem, since the dictionary definitions of discipline again reprimand me they are the same. If so, what is the difference between them?
Consider the appropriate etymologies. Discipline comes from old French for hit or cutwhich means shame, defeat, and shame. In contrast, discipline it suggests a second chance to prove our quality or ability. Indeed, the Hebrew for discipline share the root meaning ofconfirm – strengthening, doing good, and moving up.
Often, the ease with which we receive criticism has a lot to do with how it’s given to us. When the intention is clearly for our benefit and when the accuser gives it in a way that shows a genuine concern for our well-being and a desire to guide us in self-improvement, we are more likely to not only accept the criticism but even enjoy it. .
Of course, we cannot control how others choose to submit their suggestions to us. But we can think carefully about how we share uncomfortable information with others.
First, choose the right time and place: Criticism should always be given in private, and at a time when the recipient is not pressed for time, tormented, or distracted. It is better to intervene by asking for permission: “Would it be okay if I discuss a matter that needs attention?”
Second, give the recipient a chance to reflect: Even a simple question “why” can be interpreted as an attack: “Why did you do that?” it can mean accusing, no matter how gently asked. Instead, you might try: “I noticed you did such and such. Can you help me understand your purpose?”
Third, focus on the future rather than the past:“If you handle the situation in this way in the future, do you think that might produce a better result?”
Overtly or implicitly, we need to make every effort to communicate confidence in both attitude and ability as well as appreciation for commitment to work. Some will naturally respond to positive expectations; conveying a sense of shared higher purpose provides the right motivation and passion.
We can use the same techniques in our speaking. Beating yourself up may be better than making excuses. But even better is to talk to ourselves about the commitment to do better next time and think about how we can do that.
By blaming ourselves and others appropriately, we contribute to success where every misstep sets the stage for us to prove that we can recover from failure and slowly move forward on the road to success.
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