The views expressed by the business participants are their own.
A few years ago, I was involved in a professional conflict that consumed all my energy, focus and time. I was working with a colleague that I had known for years. It was an important task for me, and part of it became a conflict between us. I deeply believed that my way was right, and I was determined to finish it. My partner disagreed and felt his approach was much stronger than mine.
The more I pushed, the more resistance I faced. Our meetings became more intense, the emails we exchanged seemed filled with increasing intensity and the progress of the project slowed to a crawl. It was no longer just a project; it felt like a personal battle to win. I was convinced that if I didn’t fight for this, the whole project would fail, and I would wonder what could have been.
However, as the weeks went on, I realized that this battle was hindering the work and me. My stress level was rising, my relationship with my partner was deteriorating and a project we were excited about turned into a source of fear. The breaking point came when I confided (okay, complained) to a trusted friend who asked, “Is this fight worth it? What are you trying to win here?”
That question hit me like a ton of bricks. I had become so focused on winning this battle that I lost sight of the bigger picture. In the end, I had to step back, review and make the difficult decision to let go of my situation for the benefit of the project and my relationship with my colleagues. It wasn’t easy, but it was the right decision.
That experience taught me an important lesson about leadership: not every battle is worth fighting. As leaders, we must learn to choose our battles wisely, knowing when to go ahead and when to let go.
Here’s how I tackled this delicate balancing act.
1. Measure the impact on the big picture
One of the most important considerations when deciding whether to fight a war or not is to understand the impact on the bigger picture. Will winning this battle benefit the project, team or company in the long run or is it about personal pride?
Leaders who stay focused on the big picture rather than on the small details seem to have a greater chance of dealing with complex challenges successfully. I have watched other leaders gracefully back down even when I knew they believed they were right in the situation. It is important to stop and assess whether the battle you are fighting is in line with the goals and vision of the project.
Related: 3 Signs You’re Letting Pride Get in the Way of Success
2. Assess the potential costs of war
Every battle comes with a cost—time, energy, relationships or resources. Before engaging in any conflict or disagreement, it is important to weigh these costs against the potential benefits. In my case, the price was the breakdown of a long-standing relationship with a partner and the stagnation of project progress.
A study from the University of California (their various studies on conflict and leadership) found that leaders who weigh the costs of conflict before engaging in one are more successful in keeping a cohesive team and driving long-term success. This means you have to consider the immediate fallout as well as the long-term consequences of going to war.
3. Find out what is really at stake
It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and lose sight of what’s really at stake. Is this battle about a critical issue that will have a major impact on the success of the project or the company, or is it about your ego and making sure your point is right?
In my experience, many uncomfortable situations that seem important now are driven by personal pride rather than business necessity. By removing the emotional layers, you can focus on what really matters. I have found that when I focus on concrete results rather than emotional satisfaction, I am more effective in conflict resolution and decision making.
4. Be aware of the timing of letting go for the best
Sometimes, the best decision a leader can make is to let go. This does not mean giving up; it means realizing that your energy and resources could be better spent elsewhere. Letting go can be an incredibly difficult decision, especially if you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into a project, but it can also be a very important move.
Ultimately, letting go allowed me to refocus on the larger goals of the project and rebuild troubled relationships. Letting go when necessary makes you more adaptable and better equipped to lead, an important aspect of effective leadership.
Related: Conflict Is Inevitable But Necessary. Here’s How to Stay Calm During a Conflict and Rebuild After.
5. Learn from the war
Whether you fight a war or give it up, there is always a lesson to be learned. It’s important to reflect on experiences, understand what worked and what didn’t, and use that information for future decisions. Every battle, win or lose, is an opportunity to grow and learn.
An article from the Center for Creative Leadership stated that leaders who constantly reflect on their decisions and learn from their experiences are able to be resilient and successful in their careers. This meditation practice helps in making better decisions in the future. It also enables you to look at things differently — making sure you’re not just fighting the battles but choosing the right ones.
Looking back on that challenging time when I butted heads with my colleagues, I realize that learning to pick my battles was an important lesson in my leadership journey. It’s easy to get caught up in the details and fight for every inch while losing sight of the bigger goals. However, authentic leadership is about making strategic decisions that benefit the team and the project.
As leaders, we must step back, assess the situation clearly and decide when to push forward and when to let go. This is not to avoid conflict or push back; it’s about wisdom, strategy, and focusing on what really matters. By choosing our battles wisely, we can lead more effectively, build stronger relationships and achieve greater success.
Ultimately, the battles we choose to fight – and the ones we choose to give up – define us as leaders. It is in these decisive moments that we show our true leadership skills.
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