“No, I couldn’t . . .”
“Please continue; I don’t mind waiting.”
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
How would you explain these statements? As a sincere expression of modesty, humility, or stoicism?
Maybe so. Experience shows that we often lose more than we gain by pursuing gifts, pleasures, and indulgences. A gracious demurral honors the offer while allowing us to practice moderation and self-control, both of which make for a virtuous life full of lasting rewards.
Unless, of course, a gentle rebuttal is followed by, “Well, if you insist.”
False humility can be the worst kind of arrogance, combining self-importance and caricature of pomposity. In contrast, genuine kindness can be achieved through a simple thank you or other acknowledgment, accepting a gift with a smile, a nod, a warm handshake, or a pat on the shoulder.
A pro forma denial followed by a current backlash does no one any favors. And yet, it’s common enough that we have a name for it, which is the current entry in the Ethical Lexicon:
Accismus (ac·cis·mus/ uhk-help-muhs) noun
An ironic rhetorical device, where a person pretends not to care or pretends to refuse what they want.
It’s something that seems to have entered our culture. Social Dynamics trainers and etiquette mavens may include accismus in their toolbox, advising us to turn every interaction and opportunity into a mental game:
- You don’t seem very eager for work.
- Do not answer the phone; let them call.
- Wait a day before responding to that email.
- Tell them you need to think about it.
- Make them ask for a second date.
But what if we drop the pretense? What’s wrong with just saying what we mean and saying what we mean? Instead of endlessly trying to gain a higher position or squeeze more blood from a stone, we can be satisfied with the admiration we receive for being forward, honest, and sincere:
- “I think I would be a good fit for this position.”
- “Thank you for calling so soon.”
- “I saw your email and wanted to reply right away.”
- “Sounds perfect to me.”
- “I would really like to see you again.”
As we ponder why there seems to be so little trust in our culture, we may wonder if we are guilty of perpetuating the problem. When each of us is playing around with casual indifference and waiting for the other person to make the next move, aren’t we all spending too much time waiting and wondering? And if we are, isn’t the most effective way to make a strong, positive point of view to break the calculating cycle of indifference and show real enthusiasm?
Ah, but you may ask: Am I not taking too much of a risk by being the first to end this practice? What if my openness will be interpreted as over-eagerness, or my outspokenness as desperation? Then, not only will my integrity fail to be appreciated, but it will actually work against me.
That is a real concern. And it seems to leave us with the ugly choice between racing to the bottom or falling behind.
If you’re worried that being frank will come across as dishonest or impolitic, you can hedge a bit without seeming oblivious or playing hard to get:
- “I would like to continue the conversation to see if we are really compatible.”
- “I had some free time, so the time was right for me to return your call.”
- “I wanted to respond right away so your email wouldn’t get lost in my inbox.”
- “Your suggestion sounds good, and I’d hate to waste time messing around if I had to follow it.”
- “I hope you had as good a time as I did.”
George Burns says:The secret to success is integrity. Once you can fake it you’ve done it. Sadly, in a world that pays lip service while condoning superficiality, his words sound more prophetic than mockery. But they remind us that in a world of deception and hypocrisy, being genuine may be the best way to stand out from the crowd.
Direct communication that doesn’t come across as vague, and diplomacy that doesn’t feel like balance, are skills that require thinking and acting. Our minds are lazy. That is why we naturally err on the side of one extreme or the other. We are afraid to be bold or too quiet.
However, as hypocrisy becomes commonplace and accismus becomes our expectation, navigating between feigned dislike and scandalous enthusiasm can be a way to earn a reputation for honesty, integrity, and honesty.
And that is the best brand anyone can trust.
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